It’s been four months since that terrible, awful day. Four months of pain, disbelief, anger, loneliness. The pain is as sharp today as it was the day I found him. My grief knows no boundaries. But I am trying to find positives in my life. The biggest one is gratitude. I am so grateful for all the people in my life who are concerned, who care, who keep me going.
I am grateful for my sons. They are truly wonderful men, all four of them. My John, Tim’s Jon, Ben and Jason. Without them, I would simply follow Tim. Their love, support and concern help keep me going.
I am grateful for my family. My mother and father, who support me through all of this. My sister Micki, her husband Kevin, my nephew Kodi, brother Dan and his wife Jean, who care so much about how I am doing. Tim’s mom Deannie, and brothers Mike and Todd.
I am grateful for my friends. I have some really good ones. Gina, Don, Dean, Gloria, Bob, Cindy, Tracey, Deb, Anne, Rich, Don, Cathy. I am grateful for all of those who loved Tim, and reach out to me in his memory.
I know I am blessed to have all these beautiful souls around me. I try to remember that everyday. But as I sit here, wrapped in Tim’s jean jacket, I still can’t see a way forward. Is gratitude a strong enough emotion to sustain a life? How do I move forward in a world that doesn’t have him in it?
I don’t understand why he did what he did. I don’t think I ever will. I don’t understand why he didn’t’ take me with him. He destroyed my life, why didn’t he just finish the job? There must be a reason that I am still here, but I don’t know what it is. And I don’t know why I shouldn’t follow him.
The funeral home made me a necklace with his fingerprint. On the back, it says I will find you. How long do I have to wait, before I can go find him?
If you read this, give me a positive. Give me a reason I should go on. Tim took my heart, my love, and all my plans for the future with him. Where do I go from here?
Daydreams of the Soul 
I can not imagine what you’re going thru, because I can’t believe what I’m going thru. We all lost a different piece of our life. He comes to me in dreams, but they make no sense. Just like this whole thing……no sense.
It’s not real some days, keep waiting for the phone to ring. Look at the phone, and it says Tim cell.
So why should you stay? Because you know the pain and the anger. The disbelief, the sleepless nights wondering what you could of done, why didn’t I see it coming. The guilt of not being able to stop it.
You don’t want to do that to all the people you named. It won’t change anything.
So what should you do? You should live, cry, get angry, scream, take a breath. and remember the love, the laughter. The good times. Your kids will always need you. So much to look forward to. We need you to help us heal as we do you. And the healing will take a life time. You will find him in everything you do everyday. He’s always with you.
We love you and need you.
I read this and I shed a few tears for you both. I don’t have answers but I believe you are stronger than you know and time and love from others will help. Give time time to help you heal. ❤️😇🙏
I’m bawling. Mandy, you are charting your course. Not the one you have chosen, but the one you are left with. It feels empty without Tim, I know. But you are moving forward regardless. It makes me think of 4 years ago when you and I reconnected and I told you then that you were my hero. Those words spoken then are even truer today then when first spoken. You are strong! It’s the stuff you are made of, strength and love!
I know the pain you are going through and that punch in the gut feeling that never seems to go away but I can tell you that it does get better with time. You have a wonderful support family and that is part of the healing. You will always have questions of “why” . We Irish women have a long history of dealing with all kinds of tragedy. It is in your genes to be strong and to never give up!! You are in my prayers and I wish you peace.
Amanda, you are so beautiful with such a loving, gentle caring spirit. You are always in my prayers. I pray that you will find that elusive Peace, peace that surpasses all understanding.