I realized this morning that it has been almost two years since I actually posted a blog. Talk about writer’s block. It has been so hard to put pen to paper, or in this case, to open a blank page and start typing. With all the turmoil that has surrounded my life in the last several years, my imagination, my creativity, has been in hiding, in hibernation, unable to break free from the anguish that has been part of me since my family decided to turn on me over money. That block is gone, a weight lifted from my shoulders. There is sorrow for wasted time and wasted resources, but I have a new sense of freedom and a strong desire to get back to being me.
I titled this blog Joy, because that’s what I’m reaching for. More joy in my life. In the last month that word has been brought up several times to me. I’ve been asked what joy means to me. What brings me joy? Two days later, a friend asked me when was the last time I did something that brought me joy. And I couldn’t answer any of it. I couldn’t remember what joy was. I’ve been happy, amused, contented, satisfied, relieved, even delighted. But not joyful. Joy is a whole other type of feeling.
To be joyful, to feel joy, is a soaring feeling. It’s expansive, soul-filling, almost overwhelming. It comes from within, giving a sense of fulfillment and peace. It’s a satisfaction with the moment that transcends mere happiness. It’s a satisfaction with life that fills you with wonder and awe. Many associate it with a feeling of being “blessed”, but I think it’s more than that. Joy is an immense feeling, that fills you up and spills over. It’s not superficial. It can’t be forced. You can fake a smile but you can’t fake joy.
So what brings me joy? To be honest, when I was first asked that question it startled me. I couldn’t remember anything that brought me real joy. Not just happiness. Not just contentment. I’m happy and contented quite often, despite the struggles of the last several years. My husband makes me happy. I am happy when I am with my friends, my sons, my grandson. I’m happy reading a good book, curled up with a nice glass of wine. A fire in the fire pit, a trail ride in the UTV, floating around a lake on a pontoon boat all make me happy. But there is always some little part of me that won’t let the worries go, that keeps them ever present even if they are in the background.
Since being asked those questions about joy, I’ve tried to pay attention to where I’m happy. Can I transform that happiness into joy? That is my quest. To find joy again, to move the needle off of happy or content to the ultimate expression of life – joy. To feel that soul expanding, heart filling emotion that can’t be contained. That spills out through our eyes, and our smiles onto everyone around us.
It will take me time, I’m sure. Time to identify and recognize what brings me joy. Time to let go enough to let the joy in. But I’m determined to bring joy back to my life. Things that brought me joy in the past won’t necessarily bring me joy now, but I’ll find new things. I’ve remembered a few things that have brought me joy in the past. I know that woods and water bring me joy. I just need to spend more time among them. My silly little puppy brings me joy when he smothers me with his kisses. Writing used to bring me joy, when a sentence, a paragraph, a scene just feels perfect, that brought me joy and I intend to not let that fall away again.
Come on my journey with me. What brings you joy? When was the last time you felt joy? I’m going to focus on things that bring me joy, will you? Tell me your joy, and join me on this quest.
Daydreams of the Soul 