Daydreams of the Soul

Sometimes, we need a reminder that life is not all about work, making money, phone calls, emails and the hustle of everyday life.  We concentrate so hard on everything that we have to do that we forget everything else.  That’s what happened to me over the last month.  I forgot everything else. September is always a very busy month in my main business.  It’s a time of year when we push hard, working 12 or more hours many days, talking to as many as possible, selling as much as we can.  There is little time for anything else.  This year, more than any other year, I felt like selling took over my brain, and I had no room in my life for anything else.  I was running full speed ahead from the moment I got up each morning to the time I crashed each night.  I had writing to do, but no time, and no brain left for it.

I was still in that mode when I made the drive from Indiana to Wisconsin last Thursday.  I was going to stay with my  brother and nephew while my parents went to the lake for some much-needed time alone, and with my grandson and granddaughter, so their daddy and mommy could also have some much-needed away time.  As I drove, I made voice notes of things I needed to do, people I needed to call.  I went through a list of things I wanted to accomplish while I was there.  Some boxes to go through, areas to clean, talks I wanted to have with my 12-year-old nephew and 11-year-old granddaughter.  I barely noticed the countryside I was driving through I was so wrapped up in things “to do”.  It could have been spring, summer or winter, for all I noticed the brilliant orange and red of the trees I passed.

I was still in that mode when I woke up Friday morning.  Get Saraphin up and out the door for school, take the dog out, feed EJ breakfast, clean up the kitchen, go to the grocery store.  It was while I was on my way out to pick up the grocery list from my parents that my reminders started.  For some, those reminders of what’s important come when we or a loved one are suddenly seriously ill, or when we tragically lose someone.  For me, they came in the form of my grandson, EJ, who is two and a half.  When I buckled him into his car seat, he chattered as a 2-year-old will.  Where was Monkey?  Was Brutus coming? Juice? Sissy?  I handed him Monkey, put his juice cup in the cup holder of his car seat (yes, car seats have cup holders now), Sissy was at school, no, Brutus wasn’t coming with us now, Brutus would get a car ride later.  As  I drove, I looked in my rear view mirror and all of a sudden, it was 27 years earlier.  The little boy in the back seat was an almost exact replica of the little boy I had riding in a car seat back then.  Big blue eyes, eyelashes all women envy, curly light brown hair, big cheeks and a smile that steals your heart.  Going to the grocery store wasn’t a chore, it was an adventure.  It was a place where you could see new people, exclaim in wonder at the way a pineapple felt, sniff the flowers in the floral department.

All throughout the weekend, with the help of EJ and Sara, I was reminded to enjoy the simple things.  When you are chasing after a 2-year-old, you really don’t have time to think about which clients you need to call, or who you need to get an appointment with.  You have to be present and attentive, or you could find the floor covered with ice cubes because he discovered the automatic ice dispenser on the refrigerator.  When you hear the gleeful squeals of a boy and a bulldog puppy playing, how can you care about that report you should be writing?  Who needs expensive game systems when you have a sink full of water and dish soap bubbles? When Sara discovered my old ballet toe shoes in a box I was going through, I remembered how it felt to put them on for the first time.  The pure joy in her face when I said she could have them to keep reminded me that we don’t need to buy expensive gifts in order to make someone happy.

I could have continued to be caught up in all the things that I had to do, thought I should do, but the sight of the little boy in the car seat in the rear view mirror reminded me that though some days may seem endless, the years really do pass quickly.  One day, that 2-year-old will be a grown man with a little boy of his own, and all the cares and worries of an adult.  Too soon, that blond-haired girl, ecstatic because she was able to stand on her toes, will be off into the world, creating a family of her own.  I don’t think when that someday comes I will think of with regret the sale I didn’t make, but I know I would regret forgetting to enjoy the simple things.

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It was appropriate that last Wednesday morning it  was cool.  After all, when you think of going back to school don’t you imagine it as being a clear. crisp, fall day?  I know there are year round schools now, and that many school districts, like ours, start well before fall, but I still think of starting school in the “fall”.  Although it was the middle of August, last Wednesday was the first day of school here.  It was the first day of Junior year for my youngest son.  How different it was from his very first day of school ever!  Then, I walked him in, got him settled in his classroom, reassured him that I would be there after school, and left with my heart in throat that my little boy was getting so big.  Wednesday, he could barely wait to jump out of the car as I pulled up to the curb.  Long legs were reaching out for pavement before I ever got the car fully stopped.  Instead of the kiss good-bye that I got on the first day of kindergarten (and for many years after that), I heard “See ya”  as the door slammed.  And my heart was again in my throat that my little boy was getting so big.

I’m at that point where I have to decide which things are “last times” and which things are “first times”.  It’s like the age-old question of “is the glass half full or half empty?”  Is he almost done with high school, or is he almost ready for college?  Is his first real girlfriend a step toward manhood, or the end of his being my boy?  Will getting his driver’s license be the beginning of his independence or the end of my being able to control where he goes?

The beginning of each school year is nostalgic and forward thinking at the same time.  We look back on what has gone before, of the changes that have happened each year and we look forward to the changes that will come.  It is a joy to watch our children becoming more mature, to see the new skills that they learn, to listen as their minds develop and their thoughts get more defined. To see them developing into the adults that they soon will be is exciting and interesting.  And oh, so heart wrenching at the same time.  Each step they take leads them away from you and towards independence.  As I watch him wave hello to a favorite teacher, and hear him calling out to a friend, a smile on his face and a spring in his step, I remind myself of the goal that I had as a new mother.  I wanted my sons to grow up as kind, caring men who make good decisions.  I believe I succeeded with my oldest, and I’m well on my way with this one, but for a little while at least, I still have a job to do.

And so as I drove away from the school last Wednesday morning, with these thoughts rolling around in my head, I reminded myself that the glass is not half full, but almost full.   I’ll enjoy the ride that Junior year will be and wait for more “first times”.

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Yesterday was a day of simple pleasures.  Drinking a cup of coffee on the deck in the morning, watching the lake ripple with the slight breeze.  Sun dappled leaves rustling.  Sitting with Dad, he on the swing, me at the picnic table.  Not talking, just sitting and enjoying the view.  Watching for any activity on the lake.  Oatmeal with fresh raspberries for breakfast.

Walking the dogs down the trail to the back lake with my sister and nephew.  Boy running ahead with the small white Westie, joy radiating off both of them.  My sister and I are on alert, watching the woods, checking the ground for signs of unfriendly animals.  We’d found new tracks of a big cat the day before.  Picking berries as we go, popping the sun warmed morsels in our mouths, no pretense of gathering them for later.  Raspberries are almost done, eaten by greedy bears.  Blackberries are just ripening.  We can see where the bears were laying in the berry bushes,  large areas flattened just off the trail, some new since yesterday.  Constant boy chatter.

Swimming off the pontoon boat in the stillness of the back lake.  My 16-year-old son taking charge, piloting the boat, dropping the anchor by hand since the anchor winch is having issues.  Seeing him dump his 10-year-old cousin into the lake to find out if the water is warm or cold – instructing him just before he dropped him to yelp once if it’s warm, twice if it’s cold.  One yelp.  Watching his tall frame spin through the air in an attempted back flip into the water, hearing his laughter as he comes up.  Floating on a home-made raft of “noodles”, eyes closed, feeling the warmth of the sun on my face.

My sister and I cooking a dinner of hamburgers, hot dogs, beans and salad.  Chatting with Mom as we cook. letting her simply sit at the table as we prepare to feed the hungry hoard.  Conversation around the dinner table.  Laughter.

Having my son put is head on my shoulder as we sit side by side on the couch in the quiet of the night.  Not too big, not too old, at least not yet.

Simple pleasures all.  Yet worth more, as they say, than all the tea in China.

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Like millions of others, I watched the fireworks last week.  A tradition all across the United States on the Fourth of July, fireworks displays are  large and expansive, costing hundreds of thousands of dollars to produce, choreographed to soaring music, spectacular spectacles in the sky.  Or they are small and quaint, a small mosaic of bursting lights and loud noises.  I have been to the large and expensive displays, from floating on a boat on Lake Washington in Seattle, to sitting at Lincoln’s feet on the National Mall in Washington, D.C.  And those were spectacular pyrotechnic displays.  Flowers and shooting stars, multi-colored, large, all bursting overhead in perfect time to the orchestra playing patriotic symphonies, the magnificent majesty conveying our nation’s might and glory.  And yet, to me, the true spirit of America comes through better in the small, local displays than in the spectaculars of the large.

My afternoon started with a small town parade.  In 106 degree heat, the color guard from the local American Legion, dressed in everything from their dress blues to their BDU’s,  carried the American flag down the center of the half mile long parade route.  They were followed by the local water ski club, by local merchants armed with squirt guns, and by the high school football team who ran back and forth from their pick up drawn trailer to the crowd lining the street with buckets of water that they dumped on the grateful.  The volunteer fire department brought up the rear, with lights flashing and hands waving.  Children chased after candy tossed from the floats by the handful and squealed with delight as the spray from the squirt guns doused them.  There were no  political speeches, no grandiose declarations of the might of our great nation. Just pure small town fun.

The day ended on the shores of a small lake in northern Wisconsin. A small bar and restaurant, which I’ll call Bug Pond Bar,  sits on the edge of the lake. Bug Pond Bar is normally full of a group of local characters.  Turkey Tom, Florida Ron, and Gramps, to name a few.  On the 4th, the bar was bustling.  Campers from around the lake, visitors from down south and summer people mixed with the usual crew.  There were brats and dogs on the grill, beer was flowing and karaoke was on hand.  Unlike a great deal of the country there was no fire danger, no fireworks ban.  Thanks to the 7 and a half inches of rain that fell in the weeks before, grass, trees and weeds were a vibrant green.  About 50 yards from the deck there was what looked like a circle of boxes, of varying heights and sizes.  Fireworks.  We laid out our blanket under the spreading branches of an old tree,  no more than 50 yards from where the ring of fireworks were set up and headed to the deck for a cocktail or two.

The fireworks didn’t start until 10, so we had plenty of time to sit and chat.  We sang along to the karaoke, sipped our drinks.  It seemed like every other person stopped to talk to my Dad.  He spends the summers up at the lake, and everyone knows Jack.  Sitting next to Dad, Mom twinkled like the sparklers that kids were starting to light.  As dusk darkened we moved to the blankets under the trees.  They didn’t move as swiftly, or bend as easily as they did on their first date 56 years ago, but Mom and Dad still sat on the blanket, Mom leaning against Dad.  In their faces you could still see the handsome young football player and the pretty little blond.

Just before the fireworks started, Lee, one of the owners of the Bug Pond Bar, came on the PA System.  She reminded everyone of the raffle for a pair of water skis, proceeds to go to helping pay for the fireworks.  She asked for a moment of silence in memory of John, who used to own the Bug Pond Bar and who had passed away last month from cancer.  Then everyone stood for the Star Spangled Banner and BANG!  the first rocket shot into the air, exploding in a star burst of red, white and blue.  Because we were only 50 yards away from the ring of fireworks, we could see the guys with their torches, touching the hot glowing ends to the base of the boxes, then jumping back before they shot skyward.  I think I even saw one guy light a cigarette, but I couldn’t swear to it!  For fifteen minutes or so there were white spirals, multi-colored stars, red, white and blue streamers and green ribbons exploding overhead.  A finale of several going off at once closed out the night, although it seemed more like the guys got tired of lighting things off than a planned final display.

As the smoke cleared, blankets were gathered up and  tired children were piled into cars.  There was a feeling of satisfaction hanging over the crowd.  It might not have been the largest display of fireworks, or the most elaborate, but it was our fireworks display, paid for with donations from the crowd.  And I think that’s what makes small town fireworks more special than the larger, more spectacular displays.  They belong to us, just like America belongs to us.

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Busy day today with not much time for writing.  You see, like a lot of writers, I also have another job.  My bills get paid now because I also sell insurance.  It’s funny, because I don’t really like to sell but I will modestly admit that I’m pretty good at it.  I care about the people I sell policies to, it makes me feel good to know that if they get hurt, or sick, they have a financial backup because of the company I work for.  But as I talked to each new employee I kept looking at my watch.  I couldn’t wait until the day was done, and I could get back to my computer.  Words burned through my brain, just itching to get put down on paper.  And of course, when I did get home, and opened the draft of my novel to write what I thought of all day, nothing came.  I couldn’t get what was in my brain to come out in the words I wanted.

Instead, my thoughts wandered to a day a couple of weeks ago when my husband and I were at the lake.  It was the beginning of May, but it felt like June.  Even though it was only 9 in the morning and felt very pleasant, you could tell that it was going to reach into the 80’s.  We decided that we were going to walk to the back lake, which if you take the road back is about a mile and a half hike. Sometimes we will take the “buggy” which is what Dad calls the 6 person vehicle known as a Gator.  But when you do that, you miss too much.  Animals get scared off by the sound, you move too fast to really see the small details of the forest.  Besides, we really needed the exercise.  Now, a simple hike shouldn’t take too much preparation, but in this case, we knew we should have a few things with us.  Water, a blanket to sit on, my old 35mm Canon camera, ammunition for the guns we carried.  Yes, we carried guns.  There are several bears on the property, and rumors of a wolf.  It being spring, there could be bear cubs, which means protective mama bears.  We forgot one import thing, but I’ll get to that later.

We left the dogs in the cabin.  Lucky is too old to take that long of a walk so we left Zeus to keep him company. Unlocking the lower gate, we headed up the hill through the ferns.  They were already over my knees, tall for this time of year.  Green and lush they swished as we walked through them. The forest floor was dotted with the white of trillium.  What a treat!  Trillium only bloom for a very short period every spring and each sighting feels like a gift.  I rarely get to see them because I am almost never there in the spring.  As we got to the main trail, the trees greeted us.  “Scrreeooo.  Scrreeooo.” Branches rubbed together above our heads.  “Hello my friends”, I said looking up.  “It’s good to see you too!” (Yes, I talk to trees.  Quite often they talk back. Or at least it seems like they do!)  We had a wonderful time on our walk.  For three hours we followed almost all the logging trails, down and around, to the bay and the lake that is best for fishing crappie.  At the curve on the trail to the point, a deer stood and posed for me, soft brown ears twitching, white tail flicking.  She stood there for several minutes, long enough for me to get several shots with my trusty Canon before she bounded away across the trail.  We saw signs of many deer, and some bear.  Coming back down to the main trail from one of the side trails, there was a pile of “scat” that hadn’t been there when we went up the side trail.  Bear.  Um…maybe time to head back?  But because we were close to our goal of the back lake, we kept on going.

We reached the back lake, and right on the shore line was a bear print in the mud.  It was almost as big as MY foot!  No cub this, it was surely Grandfather bear.  The only man-made thing on the back lake is the dock, and we sat down to rest for a minute.  And discovered the one important thing we had forgotten in our preparations –  bug spray.  Not just bug spray, but tick spray.  My husband picked one off his pants leg and then another and another.  I jumped up off the dock and lifted up my shirt.  Crap, there were five of those nasty little creatures on my stomach!  Now, I hate ticks.  They give me the creeps.  I picked them off, and did a quick check of my arms, pulled up my pants legs to check my legs.  I pulled off several more.  That was it, time to head back.

We stayed on the main trail this time, and made it to the cabin in record time.  We stood outside the cabin door on the deck, and stripped.   Good thing we were up there by ourselves.  By the time we finished pulling off ticks, we had counted at least 30 of the things.  We looked like monkeys grooming each other, picking bugs off each other’s backs and out of our hair.  Into the showers we went, with one last tick check afterwards and we were ready for another adventure.  This one we took by car!

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