Daydreams of the Soul

It was appropriate that last Wednesday morning it  was cool.  After all, when you think of going back to school don’t you imagine it as being a clear. crisp, fall day?  I know there are year round schools now, and that many school districts, like ours, start well before fall, but I still think of starting school in the “fall”.  Although it was the middle of August, last Wednesday was the first day of school here.  It was the first day of Junior year for my youngest son.  How different it was from his very first day of school ever!  Then, I walked him in, got him settled in his classroom, reassured him that I would be there after school, and left with my heart in throat that my little boy was getting so big.  Wednesday, he could barely wait to jump out of the car as I pulled up to the curb.  Long legs were reaching out for pavement before I ever got the car fully stopped.  Instead of the kiss good-bye that I got on the first day of kindergarten (and for many years after that), I heard “See ya”  as the door slammed.  And my heart was again in my throat that my little boy was getting so big.

I’m at that point where I have to decide which things are “last times” and which things are “first times”.  It’s like the age-old question of “is the glass half full or half empty?”  Is he almost done with high school, or is he almost ready for college?  Is his first real girlfriend a step toward manhood, or the end of his being my boy?  Will getting his driver’s license be the beginning of his independence or the end of my being able to control where he goes?

The beginning of each school year is nostalgic and forward thinking at the same time.  We look back on what has gone before, of the changes that have happened each year and we look forward to the changes that will come.  It is a joy to watch our children becoming more mature, to see the new skills that they learn, to listen as their minds develop and their thoughts get more defined. To see them developing into the adults that they soon will be is exciting and interesting.  And oh, so heart wrenching at the same time.  Each step they take leads them away from you and towards independence.  As I watch him wave hello to a favorite teacher, and hear him calling out to a friend, a smile on his face and a spring in his step, I remind myself of the goal that I had as a new mother.  I wanted my sons to grow up as kind, caring men who make good decisions.  I believe I succeeded with my oldest, and I’m well on my way with this one, but for a little while at least, I still have a job to do.

And so as I drove away from the school last Wednesday morning, with these thoughts rolling around in my head, I reminded myself that the glass is not half full, but almost full.   I’ll enjoy the ride that Junior year will be and wait for more “first times”.